Sam: Warrior Princess
by FourHourShower
Summary: Sam becomes a FanFiction writer after she binge watches her new favorite TV show Xena: Warrior Princess. But when she's invited to attend a Xena Cosplay Convention, she finds the reality of Xena fandom MUCH stranger than its fiction. Contains femslash with an obsessed Xena fangirl OC. Contains suggestive adult themes/humor. Reader discretion advised.
1. Chapter 1

(Chapter 1)

Sam Puckett is lying under a blanket on the living room couch. Her hair is a mess, her nose is all red, and there is crumpled tissue paper all over the couch and the floor. Sam is sick with the flu.

SAM: "Uuuuuunnnnnggghhhhh..."

CAT (smiling, carrying a steaming bowl in from the kitchen): "Sam? I made you a little chicken soup. I know it's not much, but maybe this will help you feel better."

SAM (carefully tasting a spoonful): "Uggh. What did you put in this?"

CAT: "Well, a little bit of parsley, a pinch of salt, a tablespoon of Buttersock, a..."

"PPPPFFFFFHHHTTTHH!" Sam spits out the soup.

CAT: (gasps) "Huh? What's wrong with it?"

SAM (looking a little angry, sarcastically): "... It needs more Buttersock."

(laugh track)

CAT: "Wow. This week, you've had an ingrown toenail, a debilitating love potion hangover, then two embarassing photos of you leaked on the internet (Sam smiles wryly), and now the flu. ... Sucks to be you."

SAM: "I know, I know." (Sam lies her head back down with a groan.) The TV suddenly turns on, and Sam, with a pained face, pulls the remote control from under her head.

On the television screen, a dark haired woman with a sword clad in brown leather is talking to some dark haired guy with a sword clad in brown leather.

 **TV: Xena:** "Where are they?!"

 **Other Guy:** "Yo no hablo Inglés."

SAM (sickly): "Unnnggghh... what's this?"

CAT: "Oh, that's Xena, The Warrior Princess. I don't like her. She doesn't look like any of the princesses that I know. Always fighting and screaming and breaking things like some cowboy. I mean, come on, what kind of a princess wears leather?!"

SAM: "Hold on. Fighting and screaming you say?"

CAT: "And breaking things."

Cat points the remote control towards the TV. Sam quickly puts her hand over Cat's hand.

SAM: "Well, now, wait a minute. Let's just see where this is going."

CAT: "Oh, I know where it's going, Sam. It's going to fill your head with all sorts of violent and aggressive ideas, probably fused with a mildly suggestive homoerotic subtext.

SAM: "Look at you getting all analytical."

CAT (gasps): "Language!"

 **TV:** Xena knees the dark-haired Other Guy in the groin

 **Other Guy (in pain):** "Oooh... Castor y Pollux."

CAT: (gasps) "That poor man."

SAM: "I'm sure he had it coming."

CAT: (gasps) "Language!"

Sam makes a curious face.

Cat points the remote control towards the TV and turns it off.

CAT: "Well it's too violent for my home and I don't want you watching this filth! You got it?"

Cat gets up and leaves the living room, taking the remote control with her.

When Cat leaves the scene, Sam just casually clears away a pile of crumpled tissue paper and picks up her PearBook Air from underneath the mess.

SAM: "Thankfully...we live in the future."

Sam turns on the television set from her PearBook Air laptop.

SAM (looking upwards): "Thanks, Zeus."

(laugh track)

Sam leans forward, entranced by the TV show.

 **TV:** Xena, surrounded by thugs, cracks a smile, with determination in her eyes.

Sam leans in towards the edge of her seat, cracks a smile, her eyes widening. SAM: "Ooh man, she is one wazzed-off Mama."

 **TV:** Xena starts kicking thugs in the face, flips guys to the ground, and then sets a wagon on fire with a torch as she runs by screaming "AyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiYI!"

SAM (point of view from the ceiling, Sam rises from the couch, with her warrior face on, her fists in the air): "AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIII!"

(laugh track)

(Clap clap, 'I'm never that far, no matter where you are...')


	2. Chapter 2

**(Chapter 2)**

Cat, in her pink pajamas, walks into the living room.

Sam is sitting on the couch, on the edge of her seat, watching TV.

CAT: "How are you feeling, Sam?"

SAM: "Oh, much MUCH better!"

CAT: "Hey, were you up all night watching that Xena the Wahoo Princess?"

SAM: "Hyeah! This show is incredible! This _woman_ is incredible! I mean, the flips, the kicks, the screaming, THE BEATINGS!"

Cat sits down next to Sam.

SAM: "Look. You see that red-headed girl over there? That's Gabrielle. She's Xena's slower, weaker, more cowardly best friend. Her job is to constantly hold Xena back in _everything_ she does. (Mimicking girly voice) ' _oh Xena don't do this, oh Xena don't do that, oh Xena watch ouuut.'_ Yuckhh. If you think about it, the show's a lot like us! It's the story of a tough, no-nonsense ass kicker and her red-headed, dim-witted friend!"

Cat just makes a ditzy smiley face, blinking.

(laugh track)

SAM: "Anywhoo... while you were busy _sleeping_ , _I'VE_ already watched three entire seasons of the show, ordered the full series deluxe limited edition purple-ray dvd off Zappazon, and look" (points at her laptop computer).

Cat leans in, confused, looking deep into the blank laptop screen sitting on Sam's legs.

CAT: "What? I don't see any- (A monster flashes on screen with a loud BANG.)

CAT: "AAAARRRRHHHH!"

SAM: "Hahahaha. Sucker."

CAT (seriously): "Really?"

Sam's smile fades down to neutral.

CAT: "Does my gullibility amuse people like you that much?"

SAM: "Relax. It was just a joke."

CAT: "Well, it's all fun and games until somebody goes to unconscious."

(laugh track)

SAM: "Aaaaanywayy... I-"

CAT: "No! Don't you (exaggerated with wavy body gesture) aAaAaAnNYyway' _me_! I'm _tired_ of you always trickering me all the time. One of these days, Sam Bumpkin, somebody's gonna tricker you good. And when they do, I'll be right there to say 'hmph'." (crosses arms with one quick nod and a serious face)

SAM: "So, you're foreshadowing my fate or something?"

CAT (looking Sam up and down): "No. I only do my _own_ makeup."

Sam quickly palms her forehead.

 **(montage of pictures)**

* * *

Next scene:

In the living room, Cat is sitting crossed legged on a zafu smiling with her eyes closed. She has a pair of earbuds on.

VOICE IN EAR: "You are a calm, powerful mountain."

CAT: "I am a calm, powerful mountain."

VOICE IN EAR: "You are a boulder in a shallow stream."

CAT: "I am a boulder in a shallow stream."

VOICE IN EAR: "Nothing scares you."

CAT: "Nothing scares me."

 _ **CRASH!**_ A drone smashes through the window and lands in Cat's lap.

CAT (freaking out): "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The drone releases a cardboard box in Cat's lap and just flies back out the window.

Sam comes running into the room.

SAM: "Hey! What was that?" (spots the package between Cat's legs ;) Aw yeah! My very rare... and verrry expensive... Xena porcelain statue is here! No true, self-respecting fan passes on _this_ dealy!"

CAT: "How much did you spend on it?"

SAM: "Four hundred."

CAT: "OH my lanta."

(laugh track)

CAT: "Well at least you haven't sunk as low as writing any Xena fan fiction yet."

SAM (curious): "...Fan fiction?"

CAT (gasps, puts a hand to her mouth): "Oh, god! I've said too much!"

SAM: "No, no. Speak more of this... fan fiction... you speak of."

CAT: "Well, it's a website where fans can write their very own episodes of their favorite TV shows and share them with a worldwide community of other fans of the sho - (gasps, puts a hand to her mouth) Oh, god! I did it again!"

(laugh track)

SAM: "Whoa! Hey, you know, that sounds like a great idea! My parole officer always told me to express my anger through writing instead of through windshields."

(laugh track)

SAM: "And in a way, being a writer is kind of my dream job anyways. Working all alone, having little to absolutely no social contact, yet somehow... still managing to dump all of my opinions and views on to eeeverybody else."

(laugh track)

SAM: "Thanks for the advice, kid. I'll look into that Fan Ficton stuff. Writing episodes of Xena sounds like a lot of fun!" (Takes package and heads to her room)

CAT (to herself): "Xena Xena Xena. That's all she ever thinks about anymore." (shakes her head disappointedly)

Cat puts her earbuds back on and closes her eyes.

VOICE IN EAR: "You are powerful like Hercules."

CAT: "I am powerful like Hercules."

VOICE IN EAR: "You are powerful like Xena."

CAT: "I am powerful like -" (opens eyes and gasps, looking angry)

(laugh track)

(picture collage)


	3. Chapter 3

**(Chapter 3)**

Sam is sitting at the kitchen counter reading Fan Fiction on her PearBook Air laptop.

SAM (reading): "Gabrielle obediently kneels down before Xena and starts... (looks confused) licking Xena's _moist folds_? ... Weirdo."

(laugh track)

CAT: "I _told_ you. You're getting involved with a real sketchy crowd. This fan fission stuff is gonna mess with your brain."

SAM: "But reading's _good_ for you. No?"

CAT: "If you're talking about the classics. Cyrano de Bacharach, Homer Simpson's Iliad,..."

SAM: "The Lion, The Witch and the Scarecrow?"

CAT: "Now you're talkin'."

(laugh track)

SAM: "Or check this one out. ' _And she pulled down her panties while twisting her nipples,..._ COME ON! Now how is that even possible?!"

(laugh track)

CAT: "I don't get it, either. Why would she be ruining someone's perfectly good baby bottles?"

SAM: "You know, I'm sorry. But most of this writing is... _questionable_ at best. I bet I could write something a HUNDRED times better than any of _these_ townfolk can."

CAT: "Well... just be _careful_. You may be a lazy bum, but I know how obsessive you become when you get into something that really interests you. Up all night watching TV, up all night eating _cheese_ , and next, you'll be up all night writing about Xena's jock strap."

(laugh track)

SAM (typing focussedly): "Yyyyeah... What's that Cat? I'm trying to figure out how to make a user account. Let's see. Username... Pam... Suckett...

CAT: "Aheh!" (that little laugh she does)

SAM: "Age: ... none.. of.. your.. biz.. ness."

CAT: "AHEH!"

SAM: "Gender: ... what... eva... the... hell... I ... feel... like."

CAT: "Ah-CHOO!" (makes raised-eyebrows air head smiley face)

(laugh track) **(picture collage)**

* * *

In the next scene, Sam's on her laptop in the living room. Cat sits beside her.

SAM: "Check this out! In just twenty four hours, my story has already got eighty views! And they're from all over the world! Look, there's one from Norway, there's one from Singapore, there's one from New Zealand..."

CAT: "Ooh! Antarctica!"

SAM (confused, looking closer): "That's _Australia_ , you drongo!"

Cat looks hurt.

SAM: "Anyway, I just feel like I have to keep going! The stories... they just sort of keep writing themselves! I feel so motivated. I feel I'm becoming a better writer with each passing day. And it really helps to be a part of a whole community of people who really support and encourage eachother with their passion."

CAT: "Well, you know what they say... It takes a village to raise an idiot." (Walks away towards the kitchen).

(laugh track)

Sam, after a brief pause, gets back to typing.

SAM: "Okayyy... next chapter."

SAM (speaking as "Xena" while simultaneously typing): "Gabrielle! Fetch... me... a... sandwich... or... else... I... will... give... you... a...medeival...wedgie."

SAM (speaking as "Gabrielle" while typing)" "Oh... no... Xena... not...a... nother...wedgie. I... love... your...wedgies... but... I...shall ...do ... as...you...say."

SAM (leaning back, talking to herself): "Ah! If only life were like that."

Sam sees Cat in the kitchen, making a sandwich. Sam looks away, thinking.

SAM: "Cat! Fetch me a sandwich or else I will give you a medieval wedgie!"

CAT: "Kay kay."

SAM (looking surprised, muttering to herself): "Huh. That was easy."

(laugh track)

SAM: "And when you bring my sandwich, come rub my feet."

CAT: "Alright, Sam."

Cat walks into the living room with a sandwich on a plate. She sets the plate on the coffee table, sits down, and props Sam's feet on her lap. Cat takes off Sam's shoes, picks up a sandwich, and proceeds to rub Sam's feet with the sandwich, maintaining eye contact with her all the while.

(laugh track)

SAM: "Uhh. Cat?"

CAT: "Before you ask, I'm _not_ doing this out of any misunderstanding. I'm doing this out of spite."

SAM: "... carry on then." (Goes back to typing her story while Cat sandwiches her roomate's feet).

 **(fade to toy commercials)**


	4. Chapter 4

**(Chapter 4)**

Cat and Dice are shooting some dice against the door. Stacks of dollar bills are on the living room floor. Dre and Snoop's "Deep Cover" roars on the stereo. Cat looks pissed off. Cat throws.

DICE: "Yes! Snake eyes!"

CAT: "AAWW CRAPS!"

Sam walks out of her bedroom and into the living room wearing dark brown leather boots, a very revealing black leather corset, and a skimpy brown leather skirt. She's even accesorized with brown leather gauntlet cuffs. She looks like a damn fine superhero if you ask me. Even the canned audience is whistling and cat calling. She walks out of her bedroom and into the living room, headed for the front door.

CAT: "You can't go out dressed like THAT!"

SAM: "Why? Do you have a problem with the way I dress?"

CAT: "It's just... a little different than your usual style, that's all."

SAM: "I can dress whichever way I want."

CAT: "Sam, I'm just concerned that you might be taking your new obsession too far. All you ever talk about is Xena this and Callisto that. And now to see you dressed like one of... THOSE ...people, it's like you're lost in your own little universe."

DICE (picking up his money): "I, for one, _like_ the way Sam's dressed."

SAM: "HA! See? _Some_ people can appreciate people for who they are."

CAT: "Oh please! He likes it because he's an impressionable, hormonal, possibly-pubescent little boy with a... burgeoning leather fetish for all we know."

Dice is counting a fat stack. He looks up and shakes his head "no".

SAM: "Hold on, I'm getting a text." (pulls out her Pear phone)

SAM: "Holy smoked salmon! I've been invited to Xenacon!"

CAT: "Xenacon?! What's that? Some sort of sketchy construction company?"

DICE: "It's only the biggest Xena convention in the world! A huge gathering of cast members, show writers, producers, and fans alike. And this year it's right here in Venice!"

SAM (reading): " _In recognition of your popularity as a Xena FanFiction writer, you, Pam Suckett, are cordially invited to attend Xenacon as a guest presenter."_ This is it! Finally the years of hard work and determination are paying off!"

CAT: "Years?"

SAM: "Days. Who's countin'?"

(laugh track)

Sam starts pacing back and forth, excitedly.

SAM: "Oh man. I _knew_ Xena would be a great role model for me! Now people actually _like_ me. They _really really LIKE_ me!"

CAT: "Just because you get some strange text, you think you're some big shot? Congratulations, Sam! A bunch of basement-dwelling sickos think you're cool and now you're gonna get your nipples all in a pinch over it!"

Sam, with mild concern on her face, defensively puts her hands on her breasts.

(laugh track)

SAM: "Cat. I'm sorry, but, am I detecting a hint of jealousy in your voice?"

CAT: "NO! ... ... there's a hint of... _something_ in my voice... but it's _not_ jealousy."

A nervous looking Dice, pocketing his skrilla, gives Cat a "shh" sign.

(laugh track)

CAT: "Fine, go to your stupid Xenophobe Convention! But I just got a bad feeling that I'm gonna have be the one to somehow save you from those fanboy weirdos."

SAM: "I'm a grown woman, so... no. You won't. Later, Dice."

Sam goes out the door, closing it behind her.

DICE: "Double or nothing?"

CAT ( _MAD_ ): "OF COURSE!"

(laugh track)

 **(picture collage)**


	5. Chapter 5

**(Chapter 5)**

At the downtown convention center, Sam has her own booth with a banner that reads _"Pam Suckett: Fan Fiction Femme Fatale"_. She is dressed in the same skimpy leather outfit she was wearing earlier.

SAM (to group of convention-goers surrounding her booth): "The thing about Fan Fiction is it doesn't matter how much you know about the show. What matters most is that you have fun writing it."

(The group collectively nod their heads in agreement with eachother.)

SAM: "...and that you're good at spelling and grammar."

(The group collectively groans and scatters away)

Sam, shaking her head, heads to the bathroom, where she is quickly followed and approached by a tall, dark haired woman.

STRANGE WOMAN: "Hey, I saw you leave your booth just now. You're Pam Suckett, right?"

SAM: "...mm... _something_ like that."

STRANGE WOMAN: "Oh, GREAT outfit, by the way. SO spot on."

SAM: "Thanks."

STRANGE WOMAN: "I'm sorry for bugging you in the bathroom but, I just really gotta say... I just _love_ your work. How you preserve the characters' personalities, how you time their deliveries. Reading your fanfics is like reading a REAL LIFE long-lost script from the Xena vaults! Not just anybody can do that."

SAM: "Well, jeez. Thanks. That... that really means a lot to me."

STRANGE WOMAN: "I'm Melissa, by the way." (sticks out her hand to shake)

SAM (shaking woman's hand): "The real name's Sam. Sam Puckett."

STRANGE WOMAN: "It's so cool to get to meet the woman behind the computer screen."

SAM: "And you know what else is cool?"

STRANGE WOMAN: "What?"

SAM: "Not wazzing yourself while you're dressed like Xena in public. Excuse me."

STRANGE WOMAN: "OH HAHAHAHAHA! What a sharp, acerbic wit you have in that head of yours!"

Sam goes into a bathroom stall. The woman stays standing just outside, still talking.

STRANGE WOMAN: "Oh, I wish I had a sharp wit like yours. Yes. I would be writing some fan fiction of my own, too. But, alas, I never do. I just don't think I have it in me, you know?..."

Shot of Leather-clad Sam, sitting on the wazzer in the cramped up stall, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

STRANGE WOMAN: "I suppose I don't have the courage to really express myself creatively like some people do..."

The Strange Woman, while continuing to talk just outside the bathroom stall, is pouring some chloroform into a rag.

STRANGE WOMAN: "...Oh, to become one with the greats. Hemingway, Joyce, Tolstoy, Virgina Woolf, the Brontes..."

The sound of the toilet flushes, and Leather-Sam steps out of the stall, avoiding eye contact with the woman as she walks past her. The Strange Woman reaches around from behind Sam, pressing the chloroform rag over Sam's face. Sam gradually passes out in the woman's arms.

STRANGE WOMAN: "Nighty-night, you hack."

 **(picture collage)**


	6. Chapter 6

**(Chapter 6)**

It's a beautiful, bright sunny day on the streets of Venice, California. Cat Valentine is walking home with a big can of Bibble in her arms. She snacks on it as she walks down the sidewalks. She passes by a big wrestling match going on in the middle of the road. The birds in the trees are talking about the stock market.

Cat takes a look at the giant book in her arms. On the cover is written the words "Holy Bibble". She opens it. Inside is a wrist watch. It reads 25:69:58:48:84.

CAT: "Ooh. Better hurry."

(laugh track)

Cat sees Sam sitting on the front porch in front of the house. Sam is busy with something in her hands. It looks like she's stitching perhaps.

SAM: "Cat, can you help me with this quatacola? I need to transmogrify this quatacola before it's too late. You might lose me forever."

CAT: "Kay kay. But only if you're palpable."

SAM: "Help me, Cat. I don't want to lose you."

CAT: "Kay kay."

Cat reaches for whatever is in Sam's hand and grabs a key. She opens the front door of her house with it and walks in.

Inside, Cat walks through a long, darkened hallway. There are tall, white marble nude statues of Robbie, Tori, Jade, and Abraham Lincoln. Cat stops to admire a beautiful nude statue of Sam, but then closes her eyes in repulsion when she sees Goomer's marble junk in her face.

(laugh track)

WOMAN'S VOICE: "Who seeks the counsel of the Oracle?"

Cat spins around. She sees Xena slouching on the living room couch with her legs up on the back rest, crossed at the ankles. In her lap is a bucket of fried chicken, which she is devouring. Warrior-style.

CAT: "You're..."

A cellphone rings.

XENA: "Hold on..." (answers her cellphone). "Morpheus here... Yeah, hey look buddy, I'm a little busy right now can I call you back?... I don't _care_ if you're stuck in sleep paralysis. That's not my department! (hangs up) Sheez."

(laugh track)

XENA: "Listen kid, forget you heard all that. Uhh.. yeah... I'm the truth-seeing Oracle, sent here with a message for you. OoOoOoO." (makes spooky ghost noise) "There will be a tall, powerful, evil witch who will play a trick on, and hurt, your best friend. It is wise for you, Gabrielle, to gather your courage and save her from her peril."

CAT: "Hmm. Serves her right for being so obsessed with her stupid Xena show!"

ORACLE-XENA: "Hey, I'm right here you know!"

CAT: "...Sorry. ...Well, I don't know if I even _want_ to help Xena anymore."

ORACLE-XENA: "But Gabrielle, if you do, you and your friend shall live a long, fruitful life together."

CAT: "... And what will happen if I DON'T save Xena?"

ORACLE-XENA: "Well, think about it. How long do you think a Gabrielle spinoff would last?"

Oracle-Xena waves her hand towards a foggy crystal clear pond in the distance. Inside the pond Cat sees a vision: Cat is dressed in a Gabrielle outfit, sitting in her apartment, with dozens of cats crawling around her. This future Gabrielle-Cat, looking depressed, starts eating cat food right out of the can.

CAT: "Uggghhh. No! That won't happen!"

ORACLE-XENA: "But it will. That is, if you don't stop the witch and save your friend."

CAT: "But how do I stop the evil witch?

ORACLE-XENA: "By being the most fearless and powerful woman you know."

CAT: "You mean... like Oprah?"

ORACLE-XENA: "Nope."

CAT: "You mean... like Xena?"

ORACLE-XENA: "That won't work in your realm. Come on. Think Powerful. Fearless. Think... closer to home."

Oracle-Xena takes a big bite out of a chicken drumstick.

ORACLE-XENA: "Mmmm... Mama loves her _tiganitó kotópoulo_."

Cat opens her eyes and sits up from the living room couch gasping "Sam!"

 **(fade to awesome toy commercials)**


	7. Chapter 7

**(Chapter 7)**

Sam, dressed in her Xena outfit, wakes up to find herself in some concrete basement, bound to a chair by leather straps. The strange woman who has abducted her approaches slowly, the heels of her stiletto boots clicking on the concrete underneath her. She is caressing and fondling a riding crop in her hands.

STRANGE WOMAN: "So let's begin by getting things straight. The name's Selena F.F. Ash. Or as I'm known online... 'Slash'. And I _am_ , and shall forever _be_ , the reigning queen of Xena Fan Fiction. For it is I, and ONLY I, who has kept the memory of this once great show alive for new and old... fangirls like you."

SAM: "Ahh, I see. So I suppose the word 'reruns' means nothing to you?"

SLASH: "To a _real_ fan, there's more to a show than just the reruns, Sam. A _real_ fandom can accomodate for the reimaginings, the re-interpretations, the what-if scenarios, and of course, (tapping Sam's leg gently with the riding crop) _the fantasies_."

Sam cringes.

SLASH: "There is only room for ONE reigning queen of Xena FanFic, and _all_ Xena fans shall bow down to ME, worshipping my own unique ability to bring Xena back to life for them and their pathetic little vanilla lives."

SAM: "Oh yeah? Well, what about democracy, huh? Did the Ancient Greeks teach you _nothing_? You can't just call a monopoly on creativity. _Some_ Xena fans obviously like _my_ writing as well. That's why I was invited to attend this convention in the first place."

SLASH: "And just who do you think put in the _recommendation_ for you to attend Xenacon in the first place? Just who do you think _pulled all the strings_ to get your little butt _finally_ within my reach?"

SAM: " _You_. You set me up. You _trickered_ me!"

(laugh track)

SLASH: "You're posing a challenge to my throne, Sam. It's time I put a stop to you. You invade my personal space? (smacks Sam's inner thighs hard with the riding crop) _I. INVADE. YOURS!_ I'm the biggest Xena fan there will _ever_ be."

SAM: (breathing more heavily) "Oh please! You're not a real Xena fan. You don't even walk around with a bumbling dip stick side kick for a friend."

SLASH: "Hahahaha! Sam, you are so naive. With your golden hair, and your cute little body. Tell me, just what did you think I was planning to do with you? Kill you? No no. Sam. That's far too easy. No. _You're_ going to become my own... personal... little... GABRIELLE."

SAM (stares silently, then suddenly starts desperately squirming and struggling against her restraints): "NOOOO!"

(laugh track)

As Sam squirms about, Slash manages to put a choker collar around Sam's neck, tightly.

SLASH (right in Sam's ear): "Make another move, Gabrielle, and you'll be kneeling before your mistress, licking her warm, _moist_ folds."

SAM (disgusted face): "EEEEWW... that was YOU?!"

(laugh track)

* * *

Upstairs, Cat stumbles into the convention center. She makes little shrieks of fear with every passing Xenaverse cosplayer she sees. "Aah! Eee! Ewww!"

(laugh track)

Cat covers her eyes with one hand, and holds out the other in a stiff-arm, and blindly makes her way through the convention floor.

CAT: "Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god..."

A grown-ass man wearing a white toga and a laurel wreath on his head grabs Cat by the arm

TOGA MAN: "Yes, my child?"

CAT: "AAAAAAAAHHH"... Cat runs off screaming and covering her eyes. She plows through a side door, and tumbles down the stairs.

 **(laugh track and picture collage)**


	8. Chapter 8

**(Chapter 8)**

Back in the basement bondage dungeon, Leather-Clad Sam is still tied up alone, with a rag stuffed into her mouth. Suddenly, Sam's eyes widen when she sees a little pink person walk back and forth through the glass window portion of the door.

SAM: "MMMMPPH! MMMMM MMMPPPPPH! (Sam thrashes about, shaking her head violently, until she's finally able to spit the rag out of her mouth.)

SAM: "Help me Gabrielle! ... I mean... Cat!"

Cat's little surprised face pops up at the window. Cat walks in through the door.

CAT: "Sam! I'm so glad I found you!"

SAM: "Cat! Quickly! There's no time! Untie me before she comes back! We need to call the..."

Behind Cat, Sam sees Slash quietly walk into the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

SLASH: "What do I have _here?_ Has my subbie _already_ brought me a new pet to play with?"

CAT: (gasps) "You're that witch the Monocle warned me about in my Sleep-TV!"

SLASH: "(laughs) I'm the _what_?"

CAT: "I _knew_ this place would be crawling with sickos like you. Now where are the keys to all these bondage thingys?"

SLASH: "Sure. You see that little chain around Sam's chest? Just pull on it really hard."

SAM: "Cat, no, don't-"

Cat pulls the thin chain really hard and hears two loud SNAPS.

SAM (with a frozen, open mouthed expression of shock on her face) "... AAAAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!"

(laugh track)

SLASH: "Hahahahahaha. Oh, this one's gonna be an _obedient_ student, I can tell."

Slash puts her hand on Cat's shoulder, plays with Cat's hair with the other hand.

SLASH: "I just _love_ little girls who always do as they're told, say 'please' and 'thank you', and are always the last one in on all the jokes."

CAT: "That's me in a nutshell, all right. (suddenly angry) So what's your point?!"

SLASH: (smirks) "Fine. I'll get _straight_ to the point."

Slash grabs Cat's crotch.

SLASH (suddenly confused): "Wait. Why does she have a huge bulge?"

CAT: " 'Cause I'm packin' _heat_ , BIJON!"

Cat pulls out a perfectly-constructed Buttersock straight out of her pants.

CAT (in badly-imitated Xena impression): "Ayee yee yee...Yee!" Cat hits Slash across the face with the Buttersock, knocking Slash out cold.

(canned audience applause)

SAM (looking a little stunned): "Cat Valentine? Is... is that _you_?"

CAT (blows on Buttersock like it's a smoking gun, winks): "The one and only."


	9. Chapter 9

**(Chapter 9)**

SAM: "That was amazing! I can't believe you came for me!"

CAT (touching Sam's restraints): "Where's the key to this thing?"

SAM: "It's on the rag."

CAT: "Gross."

(laugh track)

Cat picks up the key from the rag that was earlier in Sam's mouth and unlocks the padlocks from Sam's restraints. When the last one is undone, Leather-clad-Sam jumps up and holds Cat's face with both hands.

SAM: "Cat! You saved my LIFE!"

CAT: "Oh, not so dim-witted now, am I?"

SAM: "You know, everything you said would happen _actually_ happened. You knew I'd get way too obsessed with the show. You _knew_ someone was gonna 'tricker' me badly..."

Cat smiles shyly.

SAM: "...And you knew you were gonna be the one to save me."

CAT: "And your nipples. Don't forget your nipples."

SAM (shaking head slowly): "...I dunno how to read you, kid. But somewhere beneath that pink, jumbled mess of linguistic confusion and bibble, there lies a deep, deep understanding of the human condition."

Cat just makes a ditzy face, blinking.

SAM (pointing, smiling): "Exactly."

(laugh track)

Sam hugs Cat.

SAM: "Thanks for rescuing me, Cat. You were really brave today."

CAT: "Kay kay."

SAM: "Ooh..." (makes a little uncomfortable face, putting a hand to her hip)

SAM: "Mmm. Do you, by any chance, know how to get a vibrating egg out of your butt?"

CAT: "I think you have to wait for it to hatch."

SAM: "Hmm. Makes sense."

(laugh track)

SAM: "You know, we're a real odd copule. But it works."

CAT: "We're like Mork and Mindy."

SAM: "Balki and Larry."

CAT: "Obama and Biden."

(laugh track)

SAM: "... Xena and Gabrielle?"

CAT: "I fucking hate that show."

(laugh track)

(Sam nods her head, puts her arm around Cat's shoulders, and together step over Slash's body and walk out the room as that "oh oh oh oh" ending music plays.)

 **THE END.**


End file.
